It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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