She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
