a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
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No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
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I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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