the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
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Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
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I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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