we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
