I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
