Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
