i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
