All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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