I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
