You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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