So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
