I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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