That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
