I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
