I think my fart just growled at me.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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