Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
