mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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