I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
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Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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