I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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