life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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