Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
