Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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