We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
