This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
