yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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