If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
