Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
