one two three fourrrrnication!
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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