I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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