And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
