Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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