just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
