I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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