I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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