i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
