i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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