Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
