im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
