Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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