you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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