Only a mothe r could love this liver
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
