Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
