Well douche your snatch and let's go!
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
