We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
