I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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