I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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