im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
