He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
