There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
