Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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