uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Vodka?
Forever.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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